A quick note: These usually run once a week for a few reasons: 1) There isn't usually enough #content to fill more than one column; and 2) I value my sanity. The week leading up to the first game against Pitt in 16 years, however, is not any other week. There may be more than one of these leading up to Saturday. And let's be real, if I REALLY cared about my mental health I wouldn't be writing this much about internet college football fans.
With that being said, we're going to zero in one post in particular. Yes, this is all one post.
A warning! Perhaps the Silver Surfer himself is sitting in front of keyboard somewhere to warn Pitt nation about noted PSU fan Galactus' scheduled appearance at Heinz Field on Saturday. Tell me, friend, what calamity awaits Pitt fans?
INT. Creamery Labs - Early Morning
An ICE CREAM SCIENTIST is coming in on a Sunday morning to take care of a few things while the office is quiet on the weekend. The ice cream tubs behind his desk are empty.
ICE CREAM SCIENTIST, to himself: By jove, the tailgate party that I spent weeks putting together was a hit! Thank heavens I smuggled out so much ice cream from the office to give to every PSU fan I could see. Now, I've put off working on version 5B of the rage virus for far too long. Let's see, where did I put that vial... Oh dear...
The ICE CREAM SCIENTIST begins frantically looking around the lab. After tearing the room apart, he notices a dripping vial labeled 5B above the empty tubs.
ICE CREAM SCIENTIST: Oh no. OH NO.
Show of hands, has anyone ever seen a fight break out because of a poop joke?
Did this guy watch Deliverance once and decide that everyone from a non-major metropolitan area is a backwards hillbilly? Surely nobody still believes that stereotype in this day and age.
Apparently graduates of branch campuses are mindless zombies who wander the countryside in search of shouting matches? Let's be honest, no fanbase is without its fair share of idiots, but to act like Penn Staters are going to be some sort of racist and misogynist versions of dementors is equal parts petty and hilarious.
And besides, people in Pittsburgh NEVER do anything stupid at big events.