Dear Rutgers –
Hi! I'm Bill. I work here. I want (loose definition of "want") to work for you. Namely, I want (again, loose definition) to be your offensive coordinator.
I know what you're thinking, "Hey Bill, why should you be our offensive coordinator?" Well guess what, I was looking over your job application and I realized that I am THE perfect person to #CHOPThisJobOpening. (I think that's how this works, I dunno, do you still do that or did Kyle Flood get that in a severance package when y'all fired him?)
Let's dive in. Give me this job Rutgers.
Minimum Education and Experience – Requires knowledge of Big Ten Conference and NCAA rules relative to recruiting and knowledge of NCAA regulations relative to proper rules of play in the sport of football.
If this is the bare minimum on what it takes to be an offensive coordinator at Rutgers I know for a fact that I can do this. For example, I know most of the rules of football, save for what is and what is not a catch, because no one knows what that is. Additionally, I know not to do anything that Flood did with regards to contacting teachers. That seems like common sense, but, well, I guess it isn't.
As for recruiting knowledge, I built a dynasty at Penn State in NCAA '13 in which I had the No. 1 recruiting class in the nation for like 12 years in a row. We went undefeated and I won the national title every year. In fact, I lost one game in my 13 years at the helm before I got an Xbox One, and that came in my first year on the road against No. 1 Ohio State. I understand that virtual Penn State of 2012 and real life Rutgers in 2016 are very different – the former's facilities were probably nicer – but I can make it work.
Required Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities – Good organization skills. Ability to communicate with student-athletes and the media. Computer literacy. Possession and maintenance of a valid driver’s license.
1. My organizational skills are god awful but no one is better at ripping through large piles of garbage to find something than me. I'm on my Double Dare grind when I need to find a t-shirt in a mountain of clothing. It's amazing.
2. I am a millennial, therefore I am fluent in the secret language that all of us disgusting snake people speak, according to every person above like 51. I am also good at speaking with the media. I know this because I am a member of the media and I can use that to spread lies about the President-Elect of the United States of America.
3. DOING THIS ON A COMPUTER.
4. I have a driver's license, yes. I actually took driver's ed in New Jersey, where I learned how to drive while folding a slice of pizza and flipping off someone for going 45 in the right lane on the Turnpike.
Preferred Qualifications – [none]
Yes I believe I fit this description.
Equipment Utilized – Must be able to use a computer, email, editing equipment and recruiting database software.
As we just established, I am doing this on a computer, so that's fine. I can email on a computer OR a phone. I learned how to use photoshop (terribly), Final Cut (poorly), and iMovie (slightly less poorly) in high school. For recruiting stuff, I will do what I always do and ask Polak how this nonsense works. It's gotten me far enough to be a candidate for Rutgers' offense coordinator job.
Physical Demands and Work Environment – [none]
Just one question from me: Does Ash clog the drain with his arm hair? My arms are kind of hairy so this could be a weird dynamic. As long as he doesn't do that I think we'll be ok.
Special Conditions – [none]
I can't think of anything outside of the arm hair thing.
Additionally, the posting summary has a few things summing up the key duties of the position. Let's dive into those now.
Assists in establishing and maintaining a nationally competitive intercollegiate football team in the Big Ten and the NCAA.
Please, define "competitive." This isn't for me, this is for you, Rutgers football.
Recruits high level academically and athletically skilled students to attend Rutgers and to participate on the football team.
"You will have to get these kids to come here over Michigan. If you get a commit from someone Harbaugh wants, he will come and snap your tibia in half. It's crazy. We listen to your podcast and Dan Smith is right: he is a sociopath. Fortunately, he's taking the
Colts Rams job so we won't have to worry about this anymore, mostly because they'll replace him with Les Miles and ol' Les doesn't have the juice to snap tibias anymore."
Aids in organizing and conducting practices and competitions at a high level of efficiency and success.
I admittedly have no idea what should happen in a football practice. I played when I was in elementary school and I just remember a bunch of leg lifts and running the lines of the football field and it SUCKED. I would absolutely be the coach who plans the "we've had a good week, let's go play laser tag" practice. Every team needs someone who cares about team morale, ya know.
Assist in developing, teaching and instructing the student-athletes in the proper rules of play, conditioning, skills and techniques on the football field and in life-skills and leadership qualities off the field.
For the latter, I will repeatedly tell my players that getting into trouble with the law is bad. I promise this. I will also say that they should go to class even though the NCAA is a crock that does not actually care about anything other than them making money. Or something.
On the field, listen, I plan on being a four verts OC. You may say that this only works in video games. I will tell you to watch the Big Ten Title Game again and tell me the "LET'S CHUCK IT" offense doesn't work.
Supports fundraising and public relations events that support the objective of the program and allow for program enhancements.
I don't know if I can do either of these things but when I visit my grandmother she insists on telling me that I am a good grandson and gives me $20. My guess is fundraising and public relations are kind of like this. I am an idiot.
Responsible for assisting the Head Coach in the coordination of the football program.
ME: "Chris..;.,I think we should try and score a touchdown."
CHRIS ASH: "damn."
Assists the Head Coach in developing annual goals for the program and in developing and implementing strategic and tactical plans to achieve a high level of success in practices and competitions.
Really the only goal the program needs is "The next time we play Michigan, Michigan State, Ohio State, and Penn State, we won't get out-gained 2,258 to 382 and score zero points." Baby steps and what not.
So yeah, Rutgers. Make me your offensive coordinator. I am from New Jersey, like football, and will bring a "fresh way of looking at things" (media talk for being horribly inexperienced). Feel free to get in tou...wait.
Never mind. I formally rescind my application.