Mess Boards: Akron

By Tom Kelly on August 31, 2017 at 9:01 am
"My fingers are magic."

Sequels are always tricky, especially when it comes to stuff that's vaguely funny. The lightning in a bottle that made the original so enjoyable is often times elusive. Some great comedies, like Dumb and DumberZoolander, and Anchorman, have had... well, let's charitably call their follow-ups forgettable, at best. What I'm trying to say is that it's probably a dumb idea to spend another season delving into opposing teams' message boards and roasting the silliest takes we can find for the second year in a row.

Well, to hell with all that conventional wisdom nonsense. MESS BOARDS - SEASON 2, BABY.

Now, believe it or not, Akron football message boards are few and far between, and the really fiery takes are even more difficult to find. Well never fear, dear reader. Today we're going to focus on a single exceptional post. I know. Just trust me on this.

"Hello, is this the bad opinion repository? I need a really bad opinion..."

Ok, first off - B.F.E? Big Frakkin' Elevator? Belated Friendly Elephant? Bony... Fidgeting...Eminem?  *looks it up in Urban Dictionary* Ah, I see. Well, that's about as stupid as I expected it to be.

Also, hick towns surrounding State College? You will, of course, pardon me if I don't consider the small towns surrounding Akron, OH to be bastions of culture and enlightenment.

What's that you say? No limited doublebock porter IPAs? GOOD DAY, MADAM.

Look, if you're going to a bar on the recommendation of a stranger at a Denny's in Clearfield, you probably deserve whatever fate befalls you. And heaven forbid they only serve cheap domestic beer. I'm sure that Akronites only drink the finest limited edition double IPAs that are brewed in bourbon barrels and flavored with hints of malted hops and the bottled flatulence of Jim Tressel.

Do you not frame your parking passes too?

I think you misread the sign on the way in, guy. You parked in HORSE THUNDERDOME. The horses owned your car the second you left it there. No wonder you hated the trip so much.

And buddy, were you expecting Penn Staters to be anything but cocky and superior? Have you ever even heard of us?

no seriously what is a zip

If being asked what a Zip is is insulting to this guy, then he must be living profoundly unhappy life. I was also curious about why Akron is called the Zips, so I did some in-depth research read the Akron mascot's wikipedia page. 

.....but why?


Wait one diddly dangly doodly minute here.

Not only were they originally named after atrocious-looking galoshes. They became the Zips because zippers on pants became popular. I really want you to think about that. They are actually named after pants zippers. How unbelievably depressing. This might be the most melancholy I've felt about an origin story since I saw The Phantom Menace. 

Now that I'm privy to this ancient, secret knowledge, I can say this with certainty: If I was an Akron fan, I would be the most insufferable doofus on the planet when they were losing because I probably wouldn't be able to stop myself from saying "Well, looks like our flies are down."

oooooh look at mr fancy art critic over here

The uniforms could always be worse! And a sterile and unexciting game experience? Compared to what?


Oh, come the heck on, man.

banging head on wall banging head on wall banging head on wall banging head on wall ba
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