Mess Boards: Northwestern

By Tom Kelly on October 6, 2017 at 8:00 am
NEEEEERRRRRRRD
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Ugh, Northwestern. I'm sure there are those of you out there who think that putting these articles together is incredibly easy. "But Tom, isn't it just trolling opposing team's message boards for lukewarm takes and coming up with jokes that would be beneath Jay Leno to roast them with? That sounds easy enough." Well, you're not wrong. Most of the time, anyway.

See, generally our opponents have a sizable online fan presence that is both easy and fun to roast. Michigan fans, for example, end up acting like a hot spring that bubbles out enraged posts about how classy the opposing coaching staff is week in and week out. But noooo, not Northwestern. Instead, they have to be huge nerds the sort of people who study a lot instead of get Mad Online over... whoever Northwestern's rival is supposed to be. 

Luckily for you, dear reader, I'm a graduate of the esteemed Medill College of Journalism, so I know how to track down a hot scoop or two. Shall we dive in?

I hope I never hear about STDs on football message boards again *sighs, drinks*

Oh ho ho ho. Did I say something about Northwesterners being too busy being NEEERRRRDS productive members of society to get Mad Online? NOT SO FAST, MY FRIENDS.

Believe it or not, this was the first Penn State-related thing I found on Northwestern boards. Things really went from zero to herpes in a hurry. As a side note, I hope to never use the phrase "zero to herpes" ever again.

FINKLE IS EINHORN EINHORN IS FINKLE

Sure, this guy is probably talking about how James Franklin has lost to Northwestern and their benevolent god/head coach Pat Fitzgerald the previous two times they've played. I, on the other hand, am having way more fun imagining that he's actually talking about Franklin the cartoon turtle's long simmering feud with Agent Fitz from The Wire.

Oh, come on. Don't act like you wouldn't watch that.

oh who cares

Even setting aside the never-ending debate about Franklin icing the kicker when up 56-0 against Georgia State from a few weeks ago - If there's a bee in this person's bonnet about college football head coaches being less than truthful, they may want to do something else with his or her life.

2015 called. They want their lukewarm takes back.

*sips tea* Hmm yes, like Iowa did?

INSERT NEVERENDING SPIT TAKE HERE

brb vomiting everywhere

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