The 2016 edition of the kitschy blue buttons, which are distributed annually to Penn State fans for each of the team's regular-season games, were announced this week.
Much like this year's offerings, the buttons generally talk light trash and have been a part of the gameday experience for 40-plus years. Some people love to collect the buttons; some people roll their eyes at the puns.
What we all can agree on is that no one asked us at Roar Lions Roar to write this year’s button slogans, but I did it anyway.
Real Button: “Gone in a Flash”
RLR Button: “Antonio Gates Played Basketball”
Were you aware of that? Look, my wife is a Kent State grad and I’m contractually prohibited from disparaging her alma mater because she will be reading this as an avid RLR supporter (Hi, honey!). Did you know NFL Pro Bowler Antonio Gates played hoops in college? Shout out Trevor Huffman, who was the best player on that 2001-2002 Golden Flashes squad that skunked Pitt right out of the tournament and made it to the Elite 8.
Real Button: "Fail to Pitt"
RLR Button: "Well, Actually, Our Season Ticket Packages Are Quite Desirable"
Pitt Athletic Director Scott Barnes absolutely insists Penn State fans and scalpers didn’t play a part in Pitt shooting past its season-tickets goal by almost 2,000 this year. And we know that's ...
Those sales records will translate to a Pitt-heavy crowd for the matchup against the Nittany Lions, Barnes said. The two programs are set to meet in a home-and-home series over the next four seasons, which will be the first time the game is played since 2000.
"This is our house," Barnes told the Tribune-Review. "We don't mind a donation or two from the Nittany Lions, but our fans stepped up mightily very early in the process."
… The secondary market continues to be a hot spot for game tickets with the cheapest seat on StubHub, located in the upper level end zone, now going for $190.
It didn't take long for Penn State game tickets to soar on the secondary market, to the point where it was cheaper to buy Pitt season tickets than it was for just the Penn State game.
Real Button: "Lions Don’t Give a Hoot"
RLR Button: "Ugghhh No F’n Way That Can Happen Again, Alright?"
For the first time since 1941, Temple defeated Penn State. You remember it. It was a hot, horrible road game last year, with a disgusting amount of sacks. We named it the worst game of the sanction years. Can’t happen again, alright?
Real Button: "Lions Prefer Direwolves"
RLR Button: "Hold The Door, Harbs Needs to Fill His Saggy Diap"
The Game of Thrones reference is fine, it’s fine. So, rather than the direwolf from the sprawling fantasy gorefest on HBO, let’s take a spin with Wylis “Hold The Door” Hodor (if you haven’t seen Game of Thrones, then just keep reading other stuff).
Tom Harbaugh recruits well, Tom Harbaugh coaches well and Tom Harbaugh fills his pants well during some boisterous sideline outbursts. (Michigan is going to be such a good team this year; it makes my teeth hurt.)
Real Button: "Au Revoir Gophers"
RLR Button: "I’d Rather Eat Snowy Mudgrass"
...than try to figure out the Golden Gophers. Here, read a preview about Minnesota.
Real Button: "No Fearing These Turtles"
RLR Button: "#TheBowelMovement"
Maryland’s recruiting rally cry/hashtag (#TheMovement) attempts to keep local kids from attending other college football programs, including Penn State. We are highly – but respectfully – dismissive.
Real Button: "Lions Have Change for a Buck"
RLR Button: "Urban Meyer Wrote America’s Complicated Tax Code"
I don’t know. They’ve been so good and there will be no tattoo cracks here. Let’s move on.
Real Button: "Train Heist"
RLR Button: "EVERYTHING ELSE FREAKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!"
We covered the Boilermakers’ struggles on the football field and the low, low, low, low, low, low, low expectations for 2016.
So let us turn to a real Yelp review of Purdue University to help with our button slogan:
Dear reader, this campus sucks. There is no AC and where ever you go it is a 20 minute walk. Like chill if I need to walk all that way at least give me some freaking AC. All buildings look the same even with a map and access to Google I'd still be Lost. I literally sat wandering the campus for close to two hours and I still couldn't find my way. The only good thing about this campus is the academics.... EVERYTHING ELSE FREAKING SUCKS!!!!!!!
Real Button: "All Hawk No Action"
RLR Button: "Don’t Go To Iowa, According to Comedian Sinbad"
Dan Smith covered the longtime comedian, and star of First Kid and A Different World’s disdain for the University of Iowa in his Big Ten team preview earlier this week.
Thank you, Sinbad. Here’s a button, my guy.
Real Button: "Stick to the Hoops"
RLR Button: “Got A Call From Bob Knight, Said He Hit A Cow In Cody, WY Returning From Fishing. Totaled His Suburban. Tossed Chairs Do Less Damage."
This is a word-for-word replication of a favorite tweet by former pro personnel guy Gil Brandt.
Real Button: "Good Knight Sleep Tight"
RLR Button: "NASA Video Reveals How 35 Years of Ocean Trash Turned Into Rutgers"
This is *nearly* a real headline.
Real Button: "This Isn’t Sparta"
RLR Button: "Make Mike Valenti Melt Down Again"
I will never, ever get over this on-air rant by talking head Valenti, who screamed on the radio following Michigan State’s 40-37 loss to Notre Dame in 2006, when the Spartans blew a massive second-half lead. His voice cracks, rises, gets hoarse and crescendos with him repeatedly yelling, “Make plays!”
“Michigan State sat there … and choked on apple sauce!”
“What the hell are you doing in shotgun in a monsoon!”
Pour it on my head and let’s make Valenti go nuclear again.