Is it Saturday night yet?
Your palms are sweating, you keep reading a ton of takes and prognostications (whoa, baby, does Stewart "Stew Daddy" Mandel have us winning?!), you're diving into rival message boards to see what sludge is being flung around because your brain is made of gravy and, LOOK MAN, you just need the game to kick off.
Settle, my friend. The massive match-up between Big Ten Conference favorites, No. 4 Ohio State visiting No. 9 Penn State, is almost here.
I'm not here to provide any sort of X-and-O analysis. I don't have insight into the players' comments on both sides. I don't even like football (that's a lie).
What I am here to do is pester people of varying degrees of fame (plus a bunch of brands) over the course of the last couple of days to ask them one simple, streamlined question: WHO YOU GOT? PENN STATE OR OHIO STATE?
I performed the same idiotic exercise last year prior to a heartbreaking Nittany Lion loss in a wild shootout, blast-em-up affair at Columbus and I'd be derelict in my duty if I didn't give it another crack for this 2018 battle. Because, come on, this game is going to be nuts.
Are you ready?
Last year, I kicked the celebrity prognostication off with Kato Kaelin, and I'm going to repeat it this year. Mr. Kaelin, who is riding the high of the Milwaukee Brewers, is a prolific tweeter who really enjoys yelling at his favorite teams (Packers, Wisconsin, etc.) on Twitter.
KATO KAELIN, OJ IS FREE AND WHO YOU GOT?
He's looking ahead, but I respect the passion.
Kato's Pick: Penn State
Kenny Anderson played point guard in the NBA for nearly 15 years, has been a fun, optimistic presence on Twitter for many years, and has a documentary out on Amazon (Mr. Chibbs: The Kenny Anderson Story). When I need to understand current events, I turn to Kenny Anderson:
I am picking Penn state my guy— Kenny Anderson (@chibbs_1) September 25, 2018
Kenny Anderson's Pick: Penn State
Former 21 Jump Street actor Richard Grieco was a big Nittany Lion booster in last year's picks, so I felt the need to return for another call. Grieco is a Crimson Tide fan, he's seen good football and I had to know: Richard, who you got?
Penn state is a more complete team and 112,000 fans at the game, got to go with Penn— Richard Grieco (@Richard_Grieco) September 25, 2018
Aside from inflating the size of Beaver Stadium and calling it, "Penn," I am ecstatic with Grieco's pick. I'm about to do the PSU Drum Major front flip in a Qdoba lobby.
Richard Grieco's Pick: Penn State
There's a ton of excitement rolling, so let's recap: That's 3-0 in favor of the Nittany Lions. Buckeye fans, if you're reading (lol), you have got to be shaken. MORE PICKS...
Wilford Brimley, longtime character actor and an increasingly engaged tweeter, is an unabashed James Franklin fan. Last year, he picked the Nittany Lions to win and he was *really* close.
What's Wilford got for the masses in 2018?
The same response as last year, Penn state over Ohio State— Wilford Brimley (@RealWilfordB) September 27, 2018
HELL YEAH, WILFORD, MY MAN! LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Wilford Brimley's Pick: Penn State
By my tally, that gives Penn State a 4-0 advantage in the Power Pick Poll. The Buckeyes, according to those who matter most, are a Bad Play! Can you believe this?!
I didn't stop there. I was thirsting to know any and all angles on the PSU-OSU game. I asked my longtime friend Sinbad, whose nephew (Jordan Fuller) is a Buckeyes safety.
@sinbadbad putting your family ties aside and putting on your prognosticator hat (it's a beautiful hat)......who you got: Ohio State or Penn State?— Treb (@treblaw) September 25, 2018
Alas, no answer as of press time. What a shame.
Fine, Sinbad is out. It's too close to home for him to make the proper (Penn State) pick.
Let's turn to the supernova of the Internet for this week, the HOT HOT HOT new mascot for the Philadelphia Flyers, Gritty. WHO YOU GOT?
@GrittyNHL Gritty you wild beast, i am going off-topic but what do you care right? do the Nittany lions have what it takes to stuff the Buckeyes this weekend in Happy valley??— Treb (@treblaw) September 25, 2018
Unfortunately, Gritty is just too busy at this time to weigh in. Go Flyers.
Wendy's, the thirsty brand with wet lettuce, didn't bite on my thirsty tweet. Missed opportunity, social media agency.
@Wendys who wins Penn State-Ohio State. If you get it right I'll eat 409 patties— Treb (@treblaw) September 25, 2018
Noted Buckeye alumni and best-selling author R.L. Stine was asked the same question: Lions or Buckeyes?
@RL_Stine Mr. Stine, do you think the Buckeyes will beat Penn State this weekend? Massive game with championship implications— Treb (@treblaw) September 25, 2018
A non-answer from Stine? Yikes, not a great sign for the Buckeyes. Call that another tally for the Lions.
What about fellow Ohio State alum, country singer Dwight Yoakam?
@DwightYoakam Penn State or Ohio State???— Treb (@treblaw) September 25, 2018
Nothing??? Yeesh, no one seems to be backing the Bucks except a bunch of weird dudes on the Internet. Has to be a terrible sign for Saturday night.
Speaking of terrible sign: If the game starts going sideways in favor of the Nittany Lions, you can bet a significant portion of Ohio is going to be filling their pants. That gave me pause: Do any of our great nation's adult diaper manufacturers have a read on the game? Who are they seeing as a favorite to end up on top?
Will Ohio State have the intestinal fortitude to come into the White Out and win?— Treb (@treblaw) September 25, 2018
No answer? Does that mean no bowel control for Big Nut and company?? Tough to say.
Last season, regional retail titan Boscov's came in hot and heavy with the Nittany Lions after I published my hard-hitting analysis. It didn't work out in Penn State's favor, but that doesn't mean I'll ever turn my back on solid clothing at accessible prices.
WHO YOU GOT, BOSCOV'S?
@Boscovs I just bought four PSU sweatshirts and they're wonderful (very nice hems). Do the Nittany Lions beat Ohio State on Saturday night in the White Out??— Treb (@treblaw) September 25, 2018
I'll await your answer.
UPDATE (9:44 a.m.): Boscov's has responded - and it's for a Nittany Lion victory! Vegas is responding accordingly. Expect a huge line swing.
@treblaw called us out again for not immediately responding so here's our answer. We didn't realize your tweet this was an actual question, we all know who the winner will be ;-)— Boscov's (@Boscovs) September 28, 2018